How to Lose Weight in Seven Easy Steps Script

From Andy Fedak
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How to Lose Weight in Seven Easy Steps!! (FINAL Voice Over)

1 / 7

I never really liked to go outside

Some people are not made for the outdoors I guess

So over time my world got smaller and smaller until I could count all the things in it.

Light switch


It’s really not that bad


If you only have a few things to get to know those things become really really interesting to you

Door knob


You learn about them, see their peculiarities

Who they are, what they mean

What they’ve been through

Perhaps even given them names maybe




I know what you are thinking now, “You live an incredibly boring life”.

Don’t worry, I had something else, something awesome

I had a TV

It was like there was a whole world of excitement in there

Everything was perfect, and every moment there was something amazing to happen

All I had to do was watch

But after 10 straight really really stellar seasons of my favorite reality show, right out of the blue, these bozos said my brain would go to mush if all I did was watch TV all day.

Now I had to go outside

So each day I would take a walk

Even though I didn’t want to

It was just so boring

Where was the suspense?

Where was the danger?

Beautiful muscular people making love in the bushes was completely nonexistent here.

Trust me I looked!

But they said I needed my exercise

I was a little overweight you see, I admit it, but honestly I preferred reality tv over reality any day of the week.

But then one day I came across something that would change the way I see the world forever.

And for the first time in my life, I found something in real life, that was as exciting as what was on TV.

2 / 7

Their hands were always nice to me

In my mind I named them “Kind Hands”

Until they took the cheese away that is

It’s not like I was going to eat it or anything

The next day on my walk, I found a pipe just outside

I followed it, I thought perhaps it would lead me to more cheese.

It was a giant TV so big, a person could walk inside it.

3 / 7

The next day I actually wanted to go outside

Everything was really different

It was like I was seeing the world again for the first time

But there was something that didn’t belong here too

I guess this is a good segue into the whole cheese thing now

You see they knew my favorite thing in the world was cheese

How did they know this you might ask?

It’s because I told them myself

You see the reason I was in this room in the first place is because I was really really fat.  It was a weight loss program my parents signed me up for years ago. They said if I was ever going to get out, to lose the weight, I had to tell them what I loved most in the world, so they could take it away from me.

But now that I’ve seen the world as it really is, the cheese just doesn’t do it for me anymore.

It just seems fake.

4 / 7

That night I did my own experiment

Light switch


Can you see it?




It was like I had my eye closed my whole life



And now they wanted me to keep it shut forever


The TV

That was it

While it did seem to have some depth, the characters themselves were all two dimensional and flat.

I guess it’s just easier that way

Just jump through their hoops which makes everything so boring

And watch this stupid TV show all day because it seems so exciting

It’s kinda like being on a diet where you are all so hungry, anything seems like it would taste good.

This seems a bit much to get someone to lose a little weight don’t you think??

There was one thing I failed to mention

You see I didn’t want you to think I’m crazy

Sometimes I would dream of this strange music

And now with the TV off I could hear it, and I wasn’t dreaming

5 / 7

So I hid in the bushes, waiting for them to come and try and find me.

But it seemed they had already been there for awhile

I wasn’t the only one whom they were messing with I guess, but I was the only one who seemed to notice

Each day I would go a little farther

I was both trying to find the edges of it all, but also the limits of my own body.

6 / 7

By now I really liked to walk, I didn’t mind it at all anymore

It was less about the physical apparatus now, and more about getting people to go through it without noticing

So they built structures that we had to go through in order to survive in the reality they created

It was like, “what came first? The chicken or the TV?”  And then you forgot what the question was.

That’s why no one seemed to notice, everyone had to go to work.

We all have to make a living right?

If you didn’t, all you would have to hold onto were these structures

So there wasn’t any time to understand what was happening

And if you did, people would think you were crazy, or it made you crazy

Eventually I got a job too

I worked on these structures, or as they are called in the biz, overpasses or underpasses, depending on your point of view

I felt like I could better understand it if I could learn how it was made

And through that job I met the builders and they were just normal guys trying to make a living with families and problems and dreams.

Anyway I guess what I’m trying to say is that these guys weren’t evil, they were just keeping everything from falling apart.

7 / 7

They never did come for me

I don’t think they even cared that I was even gone.

I kept it to myself, they would not understand what I was seeing

I felt even more isolated than before, and began to long for my room

It got to the point where I just didn’t care anymore, I  wanted to be like everyone else.

So I decided to go through with it.

I bought a car.

My plan was just to drive around all day and see what would happen

It didn’t do anything at all

Nothing changed

No matter how many times I went through, it always faded back to reality in the end

Cracks began to form in my memory

Things that I did not notice before

Things out of place, that I should of

It became obvious

I found where my old pod used to be, it was not there

The gigantic TV that I walked through, was gone.

My old room, the door leading outside, it just led to the bathroom

I hope you don’t think I lied to you

It was really only…it was just the only way to get you to experience what I went through

You see it happens so slowly, you can’t see the change.

But you see in the end after all this walking, working, and trying to comprehend, why.

The only thing that really changed was how fat I was.